Who will want me? Is that why do I feel the reluctance to go deeper in my relationships?
I am a coward. I know the consequences. Do I live to gratify myself? I enjoy making people happy. Is it selfish to do so? I sometimes feel like an idiot.
Afraid of hurting them, hurting me along the way. With everyone. I wreck everything.
Her. Her. Her. It's always about her.
Love is the strongest thing in the world. That's why I dislike our survival instinct. Our necessity to survive, to gratify our desires. Being human is no easy task.
Thirst, hunger, lust, self gratification.
Jesus wept. Even he felt the burden. I need his determination. I want to be with Him.
I feel the difficulty in saying the word 'I love you' to anyone outside. I know because my definition is enduring, absolute. It will stay no matter what. I am looking hard. Who will want me? This sentence must be looked upon deeper, it is more of a "Is there anyone for me?" I'm so different, so strange.
I can hardly blame rejection. It's not as if you meant we can't be friends.
Friends, another loose term. I wish it can mean more than that with everyone.
Humans. We are a difficult species, with much individuality to share. God's compassion to give us a choice. I know what it means.
Enough ranting. It's enough for anyone to bang their head to the wall.
My prayers, peace, support to people in need, especially the bush fire victims. The fourth finger. The weak and needy.
Did you know what video the United States of America posted with celebrities?
I hope Rove is wrong though although he his certainly funny. I have a small question? Why is it centred on Barack Obama instead of America? I know he needs the support, but it is placed in a really creepy way. Oh well, at least they are trying.
Why would people hate so much? Does pain, remorse, suffering bring that? If so, Lord give me strength. I don't want to walk that path.
People growing up has a myriad of input of advice and influences. Superficial or profound alike. I am pained to see that. How do we stayed as untainted from the dirt as possible? My friend said to put in more detergent. It is ironic in it's sense but it is my utmost displeasure to admit his much annoying metaphors.
We won't stay untainted like that forever. Parents will block you, they might stain you on the way, but it has come to me that your own input is needed.
I need to stay sane. I need Him. Always and forever.
It seems so fun at first but you get tired when you don't get to see their faces after awhile. It was all a game, but it was fun while it lasted. Taking off some masks were almost unbearable. Sometimes it felt as if you came to the party without a mask. Didn't that make you feel so vulnerable? Maybe it's because I want to wear a mask as well.
It's without wax with Him. Without wax with my loved ones.
Holidays. Holidays. Bother. Dinner. Dinner and more dinners. It's so fun but I get the bad lurch in my stomach the next day knowing that I haven't finished my long itinerary of things to do.
The big one comes this year. I feel the pressure now. I really want to serve people with illness and pain. I really want to help them. I just hope and pray with blood, sweat and tears that I will make it. How? I only can ask Him. No one else can tell me.
Wait. Let's get a breather, is it for me in the first place? Is it what He wants? No idea YET, but I hope I'll find out soon.
I better get started on the UMAT.
I'M TURNING INTO A NERD!!! THAT LADY IS SO RIGHT!!! I'M DOOMED!!!
Driving today has been alright. I didn't do anything stupid at least. I know, I'm a self proclaimed klutz. Have you ever tried to remember something important but you find the memory slipping away from your grasp?
Remembering something from the Wife of Martin Guerre, Betrande tries to remember her the face of her long absent husband but fails despairingly.
I know, I shouldn't make comparisons with homework huh? Don't you find it sad that you can't remember something really important.
It's me. I'm guilty of all the above.
I've been reading the Chronicles of Narnia in the holidays. Since being read to The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe since being a toddler, this series never grows old in my heart. Reading it everytime gives me new light on the stories and chracters. Clive Staple Lewis or you guys might know him as C. S. Lewis is an excellent writer who writes timeless stories, both stirring hearts both of young and old.
Quoting from it a good line from Lucy, (I like Lucy you know, her innocence and obedience. No, I'm am not some sick paedophile.)
" "Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger." "That's because you are older, little one," answered he. "Not because you are?" " I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger." "
and people tell me I'm crazy. Go read the series and you'll know what I mean. It's a secret.